Boy did I upset some readers last week. My list of reasons why I wasn’t paying attention to the Republican National Convention prompted a bit of angry feedback from some satire-challenged readers on the right. I’ve even been deemed a “libtard.” Not sure what that is or if I am one.
I’m guessing “libtard” doesn’t mean: humorless internet troll who wastes his own time reading and commenting on opinion pieces with titles that disproportionately outrage him.
In an attempt to be fair and balanced AND in an attempt to see if there is a liberal equivalent to the “libtard” insult, I’ve compiled a list for the Democratic National Convention.
I’d be more inclined to pay attention to the Democratic National Convention if I could see the following:
1. Scott Baio. Just kidding.
2. Bernie Sanders with a troupe of followers doing an “I told you so” song and dance number. Maybe with clips of the leaked emails showing the DNC’s desire to sabotage his candidacy blown up in the background.
3. Someone with enough common sense to tell Democratic National Committee chair and Florida congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz that just resigning isn’t enough and she should probably sit out the convention in entirety.
4. In lieu of #3, Schultz getting booed off the stage — something similar to what happened at a delegate breakfast today, but louder. An uncivilized and unruly wish, granted, and pathetically reminiscent of the Republican National Convention, but she’s got it coming. Sadly, Ted Cruz didn’t.
5. Anything that doesn’t ring hollow after learning about the aforementioned emails.
6. Assurance that those Democratic National Committee emails are the last Clinton-related email controversy voters will have to live through.
7. Signs of integrity, like an apology to voters for all the feigned denials (Schultz saying “the Democratic National Committee is neutral when it comes to this primary”) that the DNC had it in for Sanders from the start. This apology should include assurances that none of the people involved with the anti-Sanders emails, including Schultz, will be employed by the Democratic party, the Clinton campaign, or a possible future Clinton administration.
8. Any sign that the Democratic party is aware that it is as big a mess as the Republican party. Recycling a point from my last list: a convention celebrating the candidacy of Clinton is only one hair better than a convention celebrating a Trump candidacy. Let’s agree this election cycle is “rock bottom” for both parties.
9. A “Feel the Bern” delegate revolt … maybe an onstage sit-in or something. It might be just the intervention the Democratic party needs.
10. Clinton refusing to accept the nomination thus making room for any of the many other Democratic leaders who could probably easily defeat Donald Trump. Seriously, Democratic party — it’s not too late. If the third and fourth party candidates pull enough votes, Trump could win by veritable default. We know all about that up here in Maine.
11. An explanation why Senator Tim Kaine isn’t at the top of the ticket. Did anyone hear his speech Saturday? If you watch the hyperlinked video, Kaine’s speech starts around minute 19. Why were Democrats so determined to pick a candidate who struggles to be engaging when there are articulate, engaging speakers like Kaine in the party? Again with the list of Democratic leaders who could have probably handily defeated Trump.
12. Advice from a mindfulness therapist about how to control my gag reflex while voting this year.
13. The nomination of any other candidate. Even if Clinton wins the general election, the level of animus toward her pretty much guarantees four years of obstructionism and a negative political climate.
Update: Just heard on NPR that Schultz is stepping away from the convention in entirety; and Sanders supporters are rowdy … I may want to pay some amount of attention.