Dear President-elect Trump:
You’ve been busy this year — traveling the country, listening to the wishes of all the good voters out there. Making lists, checking and changing them twice and all that. You were captivating in your ability to speak to the needs of Americans feeling left behind.
Enough people believed in you to make your candidacy real. Well, enough people believing in you combined with enough people failing to believe in Clinton was what made your candidacy real.
Nonetheless, there you are, and you’re even busier now — dotting the country in your jet-powered sleigh, assembling elves, handing out assignments, etc.
Kudos on your choice of Kellyanne Conway for chief counsel elf. Putting her at the top of my elf management chain would have been my first act if I were you. She’s a uniquely gifted elf who can create that special bow that makes any package look attractive.
Who else could have straight-faced the media with such grace, savvy and gravitas after the release of that Billy Bush video?
A bunch of your other picks have me a little confused, though. Like, admittedly, HUD has yet to truly serve the housing needs of the poor in our country. However, fixing it isn’t brain surgery, so I’m not so sure about your choice there.
Further, why an elf who said he’s not prepared to be one? It’d be like picking a Department of Labor elf who would rather buy robots than pay live employees adequately — oops … that one slipped my mind.
But who can forget the elf you’ve chosen for the Treasury? One of the gifts you’ve promised is to reinstate Glass-Steagall, but I’m not sure Steven Mnuchin is the right elf to make that gift happen. While it’s debatable whether the repeal of Glass-Steagall was the singular cause of the subprime mortgage bubble, it did make it much worse.
The repeal made it much worse in a way that might have benefited Mnuchin, while hurting one of the voters who should be on your “good list.” Teena Colebrook blames the questionable practices of IndyMac — a failed bank Mnuchin participated in taking over — for the loss of her home during the height of the crisis. Her sense of betrayal by your selection of Mnuchin is compelling.
I’m beginning to worry that you might come up short on gifts for all your good little voters. Washington, DC, America’s North Pole, is already rampant with millionaire and billionaire elves failing to deliver, so one would think millionaire and billionaire elves are not the way to go.
For example, I’m not sure you’ll find a billionaire elf who really understands what to do about our nation’s addiction epidemic. Up here in Maine we have families hoping Santa will bring the funds to cover treatment expenses for loved ones. Or legal fees and fines. Or funeral expenses.
And what about Governor LePage? He’s been working hard to achieve elf status for months now. Maybe you could find a spot in your workshop for him? Is there a rhetoric research and development department or something?
No matter what, I do hope you’re a Santa that can deliver real presents. Middle America voted for you because they are tired of all the lumps of coal that previous Santas and their elves have been handing out.
Best wishes for a Merry Christmas!